I don’t know quite how to say this, we’ve been together so long, but lately over the last several days…I’m just not feelin’ it.
No, this isn’t some kind of break up notice, for we’ve been through too much together for that. And we’ve had some pretty amazing times.
This isn’t a crisis of faith – though I’ve said I’m “losing my religion,” my belief and trust in you is stronger than ever.
You’ve not done anything recently to offend me. You’ve not thrown me under the bus. You’ve not cheated on me nor lied to me nor wreaked any personal major havoc.
It’s not that I have some theological issue with your allowance of suffering and such; you and I have worked our way through that. It’s not that I’m troubled about seeming contradictions I’ve read; we’ve talked about those, too.
You and I have had knock down fights before and moments where I’ve nearly walked away. I’ve screamed at you and cursed as well and nearly thrown in the towel. But it’s not quite like that at all this time.
It’s just that my feelings for you, over really even the last couple weeks, can best be described as…meh.
I don’t quite understand why I get this way. We’ve been through this so many times before. And invariably after a little while we “get back together” again and we’re closer than we started.
It’s strange how this relationship has worked over 27 plus years. Some days I am a great person of faith, praising you at every moment. Sometimes I am Gomer, the wandering spouse, prostituting my heart at every chance.
Some days I am David the warrior child, risking all and slaying giants along the way. Other days I am David the adulterer, scheming plans to protect and serve only myself
Some days I’m madly in love with you, joyfully thinking of you at every breath. And sometimes, like now, I’m totally indifferent, acknowledging merely your existence at best.
Perhaps it’s because it’s hard to love someone I can’t truly figure out. Maybe it’s because some days you seem to share with me a lot, revealing the deepest mysteries of the universe; and other days you are a deafening silence, refusing to answer when I feel I need to hear you the most.
Perhaps it’s because some days you seem to answer prayers in miraculous ways I can’t explain; while other days you turn me down, leaving me to feel like I’m fending for myself.
Or maybe it’s just truly hard to be in relationship with someone who, not just figuratively, but quite literally is invisible. Yes, I can see you through your works and all the things you still do. But dang, it sure would be nice once in a while in our relationship, and seems like it would be so much easier, if I could have someone I could literally see and hear and touch.
Or perhaps this is simply what all relationships are like. There are good days and bad, passionate moments and indifferent, times where you feel very close and times where you feel nothing at all.
I know how this will end, as it always does. Eventually, this time will pass and you and I will have an intimate talk. You will remind me that though my heart may have wandered, your passion for me never stopped. You will share with me how much you still adore me and it’s okay to start afresh.
You will tell me though I may have walked away in my heart, never once had you left.
I have a feeling there are a lot of others who struggle with these feelings, too – more than care to admit. For admitting it means you can be labeled as that damnable “lukewarm” or end up with frightened interventionists ready to pounce. But it sure would be nice to know I’m not alone in this, and I’m thinking I’m probably not.
In the end I know you and I will be okay, but you have told me to be honest. So I’m just here to honestly admit that today, at least today, I’m just not feelin’ it…but I’m glad it’s not the same for you.
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